Building Blocks

I often feel as if I am made of a collection of children’s building blocks, but seldom more than right now. There is the empty block that is the today Steve and the solid heart-of-me block that is the love that Steve and I shared.

There is the block that is me with my heart-mended brother in the hospital. The one that is flower-filled with Blandine and a butterfly. There is one that contains my parents in their infirmity, stacked upon the one of them in their years of confidence.

The blocks of Shannon striding toward full adulthood and the one closed to me as she marries. Her brothers each have their own blocks, with varying degrees of obscurity.

There is the one of Catherine emerging. The ones of Catherine in Kendal, Catherine here, and Catherine in Seascale. There is the one filled with pain and the one called Twizzle.

The Betty block, filled to the brim with giving and pain from not-enough-for-me caring. The paralyzing need.

There are the blocks that share the stories of books and the ones that carry my personal life experience—and the ones that combine the two.

There are the teacher blocks, the mother blocks, the daughter blocks, the who-I-am-when-I’m-alone blocks; the tip-toeing blocks and the strident ones. There are the can’t-be-wrong ones and the never-will-be-right ones. The eyes closed ones and the eyes wide open ones.

The ones that lead to trouble. The ones that light the way to hope and truth.

Through all of these blocks and more—many more—is the thread that animates them. The part of all of this that is me. Ragged in many places and mended in many more. There are even bits of cable wound in where I am stronger than I could imagine and even stronger than I know.

In the center of even the most fragile bits of the thread is fiber optic. The glow from the heart that allows me to take the elements of all of these blocks and create the whole of a life. My life—disjointed in its unity and fluid in its solidity.

I wonder at the sense of humor of the ones who play with these blocks. =)

Nancy, thank you.

I used to think that one of the blocks was everything.
And if one block wasn't going well, then everything wasn't.
Now if one block isn't so good, well then that is alright, for it it just part of it all and not everything.
My world needn't be coloured by one part of it.

If I was upset by one of the blocks then it used to feel like the whole of my being felt upset.
But I just tell myself now, it is just part of it all, it is not every bit of it.

And, what is good, the Love and the very essence of me is always good.

Now, I can put down the block of my family life for it is not one I can play with now.
I can pick up a new block of "Simply Catherine" and begin to explore the ways it can be placed in my being.
But not just that, also this... the knowing that simply Catherine does not mean alone, but there are also the building blocks of you both within me, if you want it to be so.

I just wanted to share that I seem to be going through some sort of adjustment.

It sometimes feels like deep deep layers and the depth is very comforting.

But last night, in the middle of the night, I awoke with a violent cough! I tried to ignore it as I wanted to stay asleep but I had to wake up because I couldn't stop the cough! And then I slept later than normal.... I feel like I have lost my normal adjusting time....

I don't understand why I would get such a cough out of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Unless.... it was because I needed to say something..... but I don't feel like I do.
The other reason could be that there was some sort of healing happening in the night and something that needed to be removed, was, naturally.

And this morning, I don't think I have my cough, I just feel pensive and I don't know what I feel.

But I know the layers of me are here
and Love too
and the flowing

So, what now?
I don't know!

I send Love
for you both...

I came on here to delete!
Cos, it is alright now.,,,

but I guess that the transition time is just as much part of it all, anyway.

So so much Love for us all.....

I have just thought something...

about this...

Quote :

There is the one filled with pain

It doesn't have to be like that does it?
I can ask for it to be let go....

I am just omg now at my wondering if perhaps this is where my today was leading to....
but I wouldn't have known without being able to see it...
( Thank you )

I can ask for it to be let go.

The only way I seem to be able to do things is through the medium of Love and allowing it to develop and unfold.

I am just thinking this is such a comfort to know that I can let go of the pain and that building block of me can be transformed into Love.

Letting go of what I need no more....

( And thank you )
The sun is shining!!!!! :)

Good morning, Catherine

The building blocks that make me just are. There is no bad one and no good one. They simply are what they are.

Just as our experiences determine who we are and our attitudes determine how we respond to those experiences. It is a growing process.

We need not try to change all that is painful into Love, for the Love is there inside the pain. It colors it in a way that nothing else can. We grow through the knowing of the pain, and even when we let it go, the memory of it remains and helps to shape our future.

Think of childbirth. The pain is part of the experience and while it would be lovely to bring forth a child without it, we acknowledge that the two will almost always be together. We grow from the pain and from the relief when it is all over.

That's not to say that we have to create our own pain in order to punish ourselves! Self-mutilation or sack cloth and ashes are not necessary. We can greet each day with a smile and a grateful attitude and don't have to feel failure if we do experience pain.

But when we do have pain, we can analyze the situation to discover what causes the friction and what keeps us from our forward movement and then adjust accordingly.

The building blocks are a part of me because that is what I have experienced. To remove them or to transform them is to change who and what I am. They have no quality now except as building materials. Who knows, it may be that the pain becomes the window to the world!

Love to you on this very cold Sunday.

I wondered about this...

Quote :

To remove them or to transform them is to change who and what I am.

Nancy.... thank you.....

Quote :

We need not try to change all that is painful into Love, for the Love is there inside the pain.

Yes, I know this to be so....

So, it is alright to feel pain.... because it is how I am sometimes....

I think this is fascinating...

Quote :

Who knows, it may be that the pain becomes the window to the world!

Thank you...